Interviewer: For victims, admitting to domestic violence is the first step to ending the abuse. But what about the abuser? Coming up next on The Scope, we're talking about whether or not abusers really want to stop being abusive.
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Interviewer: We're talking today with Wendy James, a social worker at the University of Utah. Wendy, in my knowledge, not knowledge necessarily, just what I've seen, abusers kind of just don't really care. That's probably not the case though, right, from your experience?
Wendy: I don't think that is the case. I think they may act like that, in a macho way like they don't care, but most of them are filled with shame and guilt.
Interviewer: Why do they continue then?
Wendy: Because it's a pattern that they've learned either growing up and witnessing this, and they don't know how to do anything different. They need counseling. They need intervention. Some of them are just bullies, okay. And they want . . .
Interviewer: Bullies are not nice.
Wendy: No, and they want power and control, and they will blame anyone, not just their wives, but they will blame anyone in their lives about their problems. They don't accept their own problems, and they don't want help. But a larger majority do feel shame and guilt and want to do something different, and they love their wives, and they feel tremendous remorse.
Interviewer: Because isn't it true that a lot of the times why women stay is because their partner promises that it's going to stop, but it doesn't stop.
Wendy: But it doesn't stop, and I believe at that very moment, they may really want it to stop. Some of them may be just manipulative and say that and make promises that they don't intend to ever keep. Some really want it to, but they need help and counseling in order to do that. On the other hand, there's people who have mental illnesses that have impulse control problems and issues, and they may need medication and intervention in that form.
Interviewer: For the abusers that do genuinely want to stop, and they go to counseling and they get the help to stop abusing other people in their lives, do you think that relationship will work out? Do you think the woman should still stay with their partner?
Wendy: That's debatable. I think if women stay, they put themselves and children at risk. Oftentimes counselors will suggest that they live separately and then do counseling together. So that oftentimes works better. The other piece is some men won't get help unless there are allegations against them. So truly the most loving thing a woman can do is press charges, because they're often surprised that what they're doing is wrong. That can be helpful in them getting help as well.
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