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Harjit: Hi, everyone. We are the Bundle Of Hers, with Harjit, Bushra, Leen, and Margaux, and we are excited to share our mentoring moments with you.

Margaux: Mentor moments can come at unexpected times or from unexpected people. These moments have been an important theme throughout our episodes, and it is a good relationship that is impactful and helps guide both our professional and personal lives.

Bushra: We believe that centering mentorship relationships around identity is vital. When we discover who we are and project our identities, we find people who we can connect with.

Leen: We wanted to create a mentoring series based on sharing moments that held life-changing and learning experiences. We also wanted to share these moments that opened up and directed our minds towards choosing our path in medicine and even influenced many aspects of our lives.

Margaux: It can seem like there's a normalized way to have a mentor and a way to officially seek them out, but I hope through this mini-series that we can share our individual mini mentor moments and show that mentors can come in many different types of relationships, even if it's just one moment with a person that you may never interact with again.

Bushra: I think I can speak for all of us when I say that mentorship kind of gives you a little bit of a guideline for whatever it is that you're looking for. It gives you an opportunity to explore things and to seek the wisdom of people who have gone through things before you. And I feel like through this mini-series, you'll be able to learn from the lessons that we've gathered over the years and kind of formulate your own thought process on how or what a mentorship relationship looks like and how it can impact your life.

Harjit: I'm excited about this mini-series because I think it will be awesome to reflect back on moments that have really impacted my life. I have also noticed that mentoring is something that you . . . a skill that you hone and get better at. And I think listening to everyone else's stories will allow me to add things in my skill set so that I can become a better mentor.

Margaux: Join us as we grow together through our reflections in this mentor moments mini-series. Please share with us your own mentor moments or how you are reflecting on ours @bundleofhers on Instagram or @bundleofherspodcast on Facebook.

Interviewer: Your partner is suddenly not interested in sex anymore. Something is wrong, but you don't know what. Is this normal? We'll find out next on The Scope.

Announcer: Questions every woman wonders about her health, body, and mind. This is, "Am I normal?" on The Scope.

Interviewer: We're talking today with Dr. Kirtly Parker Jones. She is our expert on all things women. And, Doctor Jones, we got an email today from one of our listeners and she asked, her husband or her boyfriend, she just said partner isn't feeling anymore for sex. He's not interested. She knows she is normal, but is he normal?

Dr. Jones: Okay, as a woman gynecologist, I'm not sure about my standing here on this guy thing, but as a reproductive endocrinologist, a specialist in infertility and hormone problems, the issue comes up in my practice. So let's get to the "is he normal" part. Remember, we talk about "not normal" as being what is experienced by less than 5% of people. Not normal is sort of like not very common. Women and men have the unrealistic expectation that when it comes to sex, men are always ready, willing and able, but population studies suggest that about 20-25% of men said that they are not interested in sex at some times. And that would make your man normal, meaning lack of interest in sex is common.

Now, lack of interest is more common in women than men, with about 40% of American women saying in the past year there was a period of at least two weeks when they weren't interested in sex. Now, when it comes to men and women, there is no normal when it comes to the frequency or interest, as the range is all over the map. So we can use a decrease in interest or libido as a decrease in what the man had experienced before. So the causes of decreased libido in men are largely the same as in women. And let's go through some of those.

One, lack of novelty. The frequency of sex is more a function of age of the relationship than the age of the partner; everyone knows that. Newlyweds or new relationships are run more hot than long-term relationships.

Number two, stress. For men and for women, the stresses of daily life cloud the brain and you have to have a pretty empty brain to be completely focused on sex. Depression is also common in men and women and can be a major suppressor of sexual interest.

Three, partner conflicts. Women can be pretty verbally judgmental of their partners. And an unsupportive relationship is a turn-off. If your partner is angry with you, he might be less interested.

Four, lack of sleep and kids. And they go together. Having a bunch of kids in the house, particularly young ones, can preoccupy both men and women.

Number five, poor body image. Women understand this, but men can be affected by body image issues that make them feel somewhat insecure. Yes, guys can be insecure and that may decrease their interest.

Number six, alcohol use and abuse or drug use and abuse. A little may be a relaxer in the alcohol field, but more than a little on a regular basis will turn off desire for women and men.

Number seven, medical problems and medications. Interest flags when someone isn't feeling well and some medications are directly affecting libido, such as some blood pressure medications and some ant-depressions.

And number eight, then one all women assume first and worry about the most, infidelity. Is he getting his sexual needs met elsewhere, either in reality or in virtual reality?

Interviewer: So those are the things unique to women. How about men, do they have anything unique to them?

Dr. Jones: Oh, yeah! One that affects men and women is sleep apnea, but it's more common in men than women and it can lower testosterone. And it's compounded by obesity. Second is erectile dysfunction. Women tend not to have that problem. If a man's had problems with erectile less function, it can lead to concerns about the ready, willing, and able part and make men more reluctant to initiate sex. Three, aging. Aging alone in men can decrease libido and testosterone.

Interviewer: But they don't have what many women have. They don't have menopause, right?

Dr. Jones: Well, there is something out there called andropause. Now, it's not an acute event like menopause. It's more a decline in androgens. And a decline in androgens with aging is normal, but there is this whole thing about anti-aging therapy that some clinicians out there in practice, practice medicine that is not exactly traditional medicine, where they try to "normalize" levels of hormones, including testosterone, to the level of a 20-year old, even though you're 70. Now, whether that is wise or not is another issue.

But testosterone deficiency actually isn't very common. The normal range for testosterone is large and men at the lower end of the range can have normal libido. Remember, when it comes to sex, normal is just another setting on the dryer so it's hard to talk about normal. But testosterone deficiency is not nearly as common as advertisements would make it out to be and not nearly as common as prescriptions for testosterone would indicate.

Now, they are chronic medical conditions and obesity and sleep apnea and aging that can lower testosterone, but only a few men actually have this testosterone deficiency. However, testosterone is a medical problem and can have the side effects of other medical problems. It's worth getting a test if a guy brings it up with their health care provider. By the way, a good clinician asks questions about sex as a routine part of healthcare.

Interviewer: So what's a girl to do? What's her option here?

Dr. Jones: Well, it's a touchy subject and a male partner might not want to talk about it with you or his guy friends. Being supportive in a relationship is always important unless there are some behaviors like alcohol or drug abuse that can't be supported.

Ask him if he's feeling okay these days. Tell him you miss your closeness in bed. Is he sad or mad? Does he have new worries or concerns you might help with? If he's having a sexual side effect of a new medication, ask him if he wants to talk to his doctor about it. If he isn't feeling well, has gained or lost weight, is snoring a lot, maybe he want to see his primary care provider and have a discussion. It's a difficult discussion, but be brave. Even if you might not like the answers, if this is an important relationship to you, and you care about this person, it's worth the effort.

Announcer: TheScopeRadio.com is University of Utah Health Sciences Radio. If you like what you heard, you be sure to get our latest content by following us on Facebook. Just click on the Facebook icon at TheScopeRadio.com.

Dr. Jones: Sex and Marriage. Is it an oxymoron? Two words in the same phrase that mean the opposite? Today on The Scope, we're going to talk about some surprising findings about romance in the long-term marriage. This is doctor Kirtly Jones, from the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at University of Utah Health Care and this is The Scope.

Announcer: Covering all aspects of women's health, this is The Seven Domains of Women's Health with Dr. Kirtly Jones, on The Scope.

Dr. Jones: There's been a lot of recent dialogue about the end of sex after marriage. It's boring. We're too busy. The kids took it out of us. It just doesn't happen. This isn't just an overworked U.S. problem. On a survey of Japanese couples, it suggested that as many as 50% of married couples in Japan considered themselves in a sexless marriage. Sexless in the sex world, isn't really sexless. It means that the couple is having sex less than once a month. In real numbers, 34% of Japanese couples have sex less than once a month. Maybe the difference between the 34% in one survey and the 50% in the other is that some just forgot that they had sex because it was so unmemorable.

Announcer: TheScopeRadio.com is University of Utah Health Sciences Radio. If you like what you heard, be sure to get our latest content by following us on Facebook. Just click on the Facebook icon at TheScopeRadio.com.

Interviewer: You're in a really great relationship with a really great person, but the deep love stuff that you see in the movies just isn't developing. If you're emotionally incapable of falling in love, does that make you abnormal? That's coming up next on The Scope.

Announcer: Questions every woman wonders about her health, body, and mind. This is "Am I Normal" on The Scope.

Interviewer: We are here today with Dr. Kirtly Parker Jones, the expert on all things woman. The topic of falling in love, Dr. Jones, seems like a normal thing. Other people fall in love, but it seems like I'm not falling in love, and I want to know why. Tell me, why am I not falling in love, because I want to.

Dr. Jones: That isn't a great deal of research on this. However, there is a huge amount of cultural norms about falling in love. People who aren't madly, passionately, obsessively in love don't make great novels, and they don't make great TV shows, and they don't make great movies. So what we see portrayed as mad, passionate, uncontrollable love that makes two people who see each other across a room in the hotel bedroom about 15 minutes later, that's actually not true, generally.

Interviewer: So that's just in the movies, then.

Dr. Jones: That's in the movies. Well, that's the standard by which many woman hold, a feeling that they're seeking. This couldn't be the right relationship because, "I haven't lost myself."

So let's back up and talk about this kind of erotic love. It's a neuroendocrinologic love. It has to do with the irrational persevering focus on the other. You can't live without the other, you see the other one coming and it makes your heart beat harder, your blood pressure goes up - by the way not good for you - and you make decisions that often aren't good.

The people who fall in love with the bad boy, "I know he's the wrong one for me but he's just a bad boy." So this is something, this falling in love business is a neuroendocrinologic phenomenon. It is risky, and so I think there are many kinds of falling in love. We see adolescents become totally obsessed, falling in love, screaming when they see the Beatles or their pop star, plastering their bedrooms with posters, weeping, and hoping, and fawning over some . . .

Interviewer: I call that just obsession at that point, I think.

Dr. Jones: Well, it's part of the same phenomenon. It makes people make bad decisions because they're obsessed with the other.

Interviewer: And that's also falling in love.

Dr. Jones: That's kind of a falling in love, right.

Interviewer: Interesting. Okay.

Dr. Jones: So there are many adolescents who do this. Now, falling in love, not everyone will have that kind of media-enhanced experience in their own life. That doesn't mean they're not normal. Some people will. People who are risk takers, so they're not adverse to risks, and novelty seekers tend to seek after that kind of amphetamine driven-like experience. People have looked that brains of people who were in love and it's like being on amphetamines. So it's unrealistic, it's obsessive, it's focused, and it happens, but it doesn't happen to everyone.

Interviewer: So there is a medical definition for somebody falling in love. It's not just a thing that you see in the movies where you just feel it in your heart, in your soul, but there is a medical thing to this.

Dr. Jones: There is some neurologic research about it. It's not widely done, so there's not a huge amount of great research. First of all, you may not be risk-averse enough or you may not be thrill-seeking enough. You may be very cautious. So even if you're attracted to someone, you may not let yourself go full bore and become obsessed with someone because you're cautious. And women are cautious.

Interviewer: And that's what some people might call scared to fall in love.

Dr. Jones: Right, they are frightened to fall in love, or they have the good judgment not to fall in love. Secondly, there are some people that are missing some receptors in the brain so it's difficult for them to fall in love. One very interesting set of research from a very rare condition where people are unable to smell, so the part of their brain that allows them to smell is also connected to the part of their brain that helps them stimulate the reproductive processes and these people, you can make them ovulate and you can make them make sperm, but they don't fall in love.

Interviewer: Because they can't smell.

Dr. Jones: Well, some people think it's that. So some people think part of the trigger is one of these, our smell, and our perceptions, and our limbic system, which is our emotional system works. Some people are missing that, so when they have sex they don't bond to their sex partner. They just go looking for anybody else to have sex with. This is rare, but it's interesting insight into the neuroendocrinology of falling in love.

Interviewer: Based on what you just said, there are some people, based on what their brain is missing or it's just not getting enough of, they can't fall in love naturally.

Dr. Jones: Right. There are some people who just never pair bond. They're asexual. They're not attracted. They're not driven. We don't understand those people very well, but they make up a significant part of the population, and that's fine.

Interviewer: How much do you think? How many?

Dr. Jones: Well, some people have said around 5%.

Interviewer: Well, that's actually a big difference.

Dr. Jones: That's a big chunk.

Interviewer: Five percent of us can't fall in love because our body won't let us.

Dr. Jones: Right. So they might get married, and they might pair bond because someone else is driving the erotic agenda. And they've fallen into line because that's what people do, and they may have a wonderful sex life, but they're not necessarily driven to do that.

Interviewer: Can they like the person?

Dr. Jones: Sure they can.

Interviewer: They can't love the person.

Dr. Jones: They can love the person. They can like the person.

Interviewer: But they can't fall in love.

Dr. Jones: Right. In love is not love, so they can have a profound and deep phileos love for the person. But the erotic love that drives people crazy, they can't do that. Lastly, of course is the real critical question.

Interviewer: Is this even normal?

Dr. Jones: It is normal. It's important to recognize that falling in love is a relatively short part of any marriage relationship. When people fall in love and they get married, the smart ones know that falling in love stage is about, sometimes only six months, and at most about six or seven years. That's the seven year itch when people start looking for another erotic love focus.

Interviewer: Oh, that's where that comes from.

Dr. Jones: Right. And that's all you're going to get out of this erotic driven passionate bonding with some other person. That goes away because it's not new anymore.

Interviewer: So from what you're telling me, you might fall in love with somebody, get married, have kids, and then somewhere down the line it's very possible and quite common, apparently, to fall out of love.

Dr. Jones: To fall out of being in love. You love them, but you're not passionately-focused erotically in love with them. Most people can only focus on one person at a time with this erotic neuroendocrine obsession, but even people who study this passionate in love business, it doesn't last a whole relationship. And some people, they switch relationships because they need that erotic dizzying focused in love thing.

So first of all, it's kind of risky to be in love. It's a great feeling but A) it doesn't last, and B), it doesn't help you get through the day and go to work. If it does happen, it doesn't happen forever. And in reality, a maturing relationship moves on to love where you deeply care about the other and the other's welfare. Being in love is all about me, me, me and getting my needs met.

Interviewer: That's not what the movies tell you.

Dr. Jones: Of course they don't, but the movies are only an hour and a half long, and a good relationship is a lifetime.

Interviewer: Or six years, apparently. Six or seven years.

Dr. Jones: Or six years, right. So I hope for all of our listening audience that they have the opportunity to feel in love with someone who's fallen in love with them. But I sure hope it doesn't last a long time because it's hard to go to work.

Announcer: We're your daily dose of science, conversation, medicine. This is The Scope, University of Utah Health Sciences Radio.